Content/Trigger WARNING: Anxiety | Depression | Suicide
Depression - REAL depression is a mental disorder. It is DIFFERENT from being emotional and illogical as a reaction towards an event. People don’t take it seriously because they don’t understand. They don’t understand because many have used the term incorrectly so frequently that people think it’s just “being sad”. IT IS NOT! Depression episodes occur even when nothing bad or negative happens to a person with this disorder. They just snap. It’s that feeling of not being able to control your own brain - your own voice arguing with yourself and feeding you with bad and negative thoughts about random things or just about everything and anything. You struggle to get your own brain back from these voices - your own voices!
I am a highly functional individual. One who is very productive, educated, professional, and I would say I’ve achieved things and would achieve many more. I have nothing to complain about in my life. BUT I AM NOT OKAY. The people around me, my family, my boyfriend, my friends - THEY ALL DON’T UNDERSTAND what I’m going through. Episodes that last for a week - just crying, fighting voices, talking to myself, not feeling hungry.
Why did I become like this? Who is to blame? Science? The chemicals in my brain? Probably. Or straight-up yes. And I’ve had a difficult childhood. Grew up in a very problematic household where I rarely feel love. With all that I’ve been through, people say that I should be proud I overcame all the challenges. But all those hardships traumatized me. They made paranoid. They caused me an anxiety disorder. I have this haunting fear of the uncertain. And I cannot live a normal and happy life. BUT AGAIN, PEOPLE AROUND ME DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT. I can’t even understand it myself. All these voices, all the fighting over my brain, it’s so difficult. I don’t know what to do anymore. The easiest option is just to give up and just kill myself - and then my suffering in this world would end. Or I can be strong and fight my demons - but I can’t! I’m trying and struggling and suffering. I’m going crazy! I am going crazy! I appreciate words of support, positive words, hugs, kisses - BUT THAT’S NOT GONNA CURE ME! I need medical attention but who cares? They all think I’m okay. No one understands. I just stare into the ceiling and contemplate - is this the right time to give up? How should I do it? Overdose? Hang myself? I want to shoot myself so it’s quick but I don’t have a gun. Or should I just wait it out and spend all my energy to pretend to be normal and just be okay and fine and just one day end it?
Sometimes, you can save someone from themselves. But most often, you can save someone simply because you do not understand what they are going through - and most of the time, you will never ever understand - just like nobody understands me. I will just have to continue suffering until death decides it’s time to end.
Photo from https://www.psycom.net/depression-definition-dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria/
