Meditating v3 - Am I a Loser?

Content/Trigger WARNING: Anxiety | Depression

Am I a loser?

In the past few weeks, I often found myself asking that question.
Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful to God for all the blessings that he has given me and is continuously giving me. After all the challenges that life has brought me, here I am, a survivor and still fighting to survive. I appreciate every little achievement that I have but I can't seem to shake off the feeling of being a loser. For some reason, I feel like I lack in something - something I don't understand.

I believe that aside from God, the only person who can decipher my puzzling personality is myself. Although I really can't figure out what is wrong, I will list them to probably help me answer my question.

1. I am not a friendly nor a sociable person. I only have very few friends. I am afraid of being rejected. I am very selective of the people whom I show who I am as a person. I am not comfortable being friends with everybody.
2. I am not adventurous. If I have extra time, I would rather spend it reading a book or staying at home busy with my phone or computer [See #1].
3. When I focus on my goal, I do exactly that --- focus! Right now, I am pursuing my Doctor's Degree and like what I have said, I am focused on it. Exams, requirements, paper works - these are the things that motivate me and give me purpose. I feel empty during sem breaks.

I can add more things to the list but then I realized that those things are related to the 3 listed above. If I would really push myself to point out the reason why I feel this way, I would say it's reason #1. I don't have social skills, whether in person or online. Some people may not be good to socialize in person but are virtually everyone's BFF --- but not me. Even on Facebook, I only have very few people that I actually interact with in comments or in private messages.

Anyway...

I love my life. I appreciate my life.
But out of nowhere, sometimes I just can't help but ask, "Am I a loser?"

My alter ego: We are all winners with God and in God.

Peace. Love. Happiness.

Meditating v2 - What do I want to do?

Life allows us to do things that we love.
Life allows us to explore things we don't love but might end up loving.

The things that we want to do vary based on a lot of things - our passion, status, interests, environment, abilities, and many more.

Tonight, I found myself asking the question "What do I want to do?"

What are the things that I would dedicate my time and energy to that would make me feel fulfilled?

I tried to answer the question and as of now came up with this list:

1. To be educated and to educate.
I love being a student. I love to go to school and learn and take exams and get good grades. I really enjoy it that sometimes I feel like it is my purpose in life. And then as it turned out, I also have a passion for teaching. And I am blessed that at this point in my life, I am able to do both, be a student and a teacher.

2. To write.
I love writing very much. I know in myself that I have the burning passion for it BUT until now I still haven't found my niche in writing. I am happy I get to write every now and then for my blog but still I know I dreamt of more. But I won't stop dreaming and finding the light. *wink*

3. To do "genius" things in my field.
I am a computer science professional. I can't call myself a "computer scientist" as of now because I have yet to earn the right to be called as such. The "genius" things I am referring to is basically research stuff but those that are very intellectually challenging enough and have contributed or will contribute new knowledge to the society. Right now, I am already taking steps towards this path and I pray that I would be able to achieve this and hopefully allow myself to consider me a "scientist".

4. To travel and explore places.
I grew up aware of the financial struggles my parents had when we started gradeschool until college. I was brought up with the mindset that money is hard to earn and that we must value it and that we only spend it on necessities. Travel is not on that list of necessities and so we rarely went (or almost did not go) on vacation nor travelled anywhere (except during annual excursions sponsored by the company where my father worked). So when I became an adult and already earning, I was reluctant to spend money just to travel and explore until recently. I don't understand how it happened, but it seemed like an epiphany when all of a suddent I realized that I love to travel. I had it in me all along but was clouded by my idea that it is a waste of money. (Although in reality, it does require time and money). Nevertheless, I know that if it is God's will that I can do it, He would help me achieve it. Who knows? I might be able to travel to my dreamland Paris. (Yes, Paris, the ultimate place I dream to go to).

I have 4 on my list now but as the days go by, I know this list can have more things on it.

It is such a liberating feeling to be able to know (and even make a list of) the things that we want to do in life. We might not be able to do all of them but just "knowing what you want" is already a huge step in knowing one's self. And I believe that knowing thyself is significant in living a meaningful life.


Peace.Love.Happiness.
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In the Sky

i just realized that over the years, a decade maybe, i lost a lot..
i lost my passion for my art, my creativity.

i used to be passionate about writing, literature, poetry..
and i just lost it.

i used to create poems, a lot of them..
beautiful ones but now are gone.

i can't recall when, how, or why..
or maybe they're not lost..
just floating in the sky.