Reasons for Hatred

Hatred is a negative feeling that humans normally feel for several reasons. They say that hatred is the absence of love but I don't really believe in that. Hatred and love can be felt towards someone or something at the same time. For me, hatred is actually better than being numb and not to feel anything. But why do we hate?

Setting modesty aside, I can say that I am indeed a nice person BUT I easily get irritated. I can classify this into two types: mild and serious. Mild irritation makes me feel hatred towards something or usually someone for a short period of time that once I have blurted it out I start to feel okay. I like it because I don't have to bear grudges in my heart. However, the other one is difficult to deal with.

I usually don't hate people in a serious level unless I have a reason. I cannot really assess why or how but based on my observation I feel this type of hatred whenever someone does a bad thing and just get away with it easily and even have the face and guts to appear as the opposite of what and who he/she is. I don't know why it is such a big deal for me when in truth it is really none of my business. Is it insecurity? Insecurity in a sense that others can do something bad and they don't feel guilty and I can't do the same. Sometimes I suddenly feel like I'm playing god that I want these people to be punished - that is why I feel serious hatred towards them.

I will not say that I am a righteous person but maybe I am self-righteous sometimes. As much as possible I try my best to do the right things although this is really a struggle in the real world. And because of this, I also want other people to do the same and since I can't control everyone, people who walk this life guilt-free with their wrongdoings get my serious-level hatred.

But I am not a god to be judgmental because even our real God is not. Nor am I a lawyer to question people. Right now, I am trying my best to let others live their lives considering that it is none of my business. On the other side, this attitude is actually just a result of my care for others and I am just afraid that along the way, I might just stop caring for those people too.

♥

Fight Anxiety

It has been my rule in life to never expect something good to avoid disappointments. However, no matter how hard we try not to expect, hope still exists. I always tell myself to hope for the best but expect the worst. But this sounds easier than done. No matter how much we convince ourselves that everything will be okay, still there's a little corner out there filled with anxiety. As far as I can remember, being anxious has been part of my personality since childhood. For some reasons, it's so easy for me to be worried and sometimes paranoid with the things happening around me. People who are very close to me who have known me since I was young tell me that I am idealistic that's why I always take things seriously and this is the reason why I always get anxious. I don't want to accept it but I am. If possible, I want things to be perfect and I want them to happen according to what I think is ideal. And when things go wrong or in a different direction as I am, then I get frustrated. Even though I am trying my best to change but it's difficult. I just want everything to be organized. It is so hard for me to put into reality that the world is composed of people with their own will and things happen according to the will of God.

At this moment, I remember the verse from the Bible that says:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Matthew 6: 25-33

I know these things that I feel are God's challenges to me that I have to face and conquer.  I have to believe that God believes in me and that I will be able to surpass His trials.
Sometimes, God let us suffer so that we can remember that we are not supernaturals, we are humans and we need Him.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30 

There had been several times that things did not happen according to my will and I asked God why. I was not able to get the answer right away but as the time goes by, God is eventually answering me.

No matter how much we plan for our lives, God will always have the best plan for us.

Emo Disorder

According to Wiki and as how the doctors describe it, Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder, historically known as manic–depressive disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes.

The definition might be a bit hard to comprehend.. but not with me or with anyone who has this kind of disorder. Whenever it strikes me, I just can't seem to control my emotions. Bipolar disorder has many effects and in my case, it makes me so depress that no matter what I think of I just feel so depressed and tears just keep falling from my eyes. What makes it worse is that it makes me so sensitive that I easily get irritated. I hate it but once it strikes me I become a slave.

On the other hand, if the "happy mood" strikes you, then you become very, very, very happy! ☺

It has been almost 4 months since my last episode and I thought that I'm already okay but just last night it hit again. It was a good thing that I was able to overcome it after a couple of hours and having someone who understands you can be really a great help.

When I was younger I thought that I'm just ordinarily moody until I reached the age 19 when I found out that it's something more serious. But I don't want to take it heavily and although it can be a burden, it would still be best to have a positive outlook in life.

For those of you who think they are experiencing emotional disorder, don't be afraid to consult people who can diagnose your situation and who can help you overcome whatever it may be.

♥


Consolation: Many people involved with creativity and arts, such as Vincent van Gogh, are believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder. (From Wiki)
*If it's true then at least we have something in common hahaha*

Thoughts on Relationships

The word relationship is a general term which refers to the connection of an individual whether to another individual or to a group. There are many types of relationship and the term can be used in different perspectives. But let us focus on the most common type of relationship – the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

This type of relationship is easy to understand. Both the male and the female have mutual feelings of love for each other. At this point, the term love is just used to refer to the different basis of the feelings shared by the two people involved in the relationship. Yes, a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship can have different basis or foundation, and more often than not, these things also determine the rate of success of the relationship. Let us find out what can be the different basis or foundation of a relationship?

Friendship – this is very common whether in real life or in movies. There are a lot of relationships that started from friendship – either you belong to the same circle of friends, childhood friends, best friends, or even just casual friends. For me, this could be a good foundation because in most cases, the people involved already know each other and won’t have a hard time in getting along. Others say that friends should not develop an intimate understanding because it is forbidden. But that is not true – friendship is a nice thing and does not forbid the gift of love. However, there will come a time that they might feel awkward especially when they start to realize that boyfriend-girlfriend is different from just being friends. But if they are able to survive this stage, then there is a big possibility that their relationship can be successful.

Courting – this refers to the process where the male pursuits the female. Courting also happens in the friendship category mentioned above but courting when the people barely know each other can be a different case. It usually goes like this: Mr. Guy saw Miss Girl and got attracted and he tried to find a way how to know Miss Girl. Finally he got the chance to be introduced and started asking her to go out and start knowing each other. During this stage, mutual feelings develop and finally Miss Girl would agree to have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with Mr. Guy.

 *** But not all courting stories end like this :D There can be different versions such as: 1) Mr. Guy realized that he doesn’t really like Miss Girl so he would stop courting; 2) Miss Girl will not develop mutual feelings with Mr. Guy so at the end, its either she would say NO or LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS ☺***

With all the unique individuals in this world, there are unique love stories. Some are happy, some are not. But what makes a love story successful? Is it chocolates? Flowers? Dinner Dates? Hugs and kisses? Expensive gifts? Sweetness? NO. It’s a BIG NO. NO. NO. NO.

No matter how sweet your relationship is and no matter how luxurious your relationship can be – those things are not the basis of a strong and successful relationship.

FAITH – some synonyms of this word in the thesaurus are: confidence, trust, reliance, conviction, belief, assurance and devotion. By just reading these words, you might think that it is very difficult but it’s not. It’s just a matter of believing that your partner is a gift from God and that he or she is guided by God and that you have God in your relationship. You don’t have to be religious to have faith – all you need is to believe in the love that you  feel but once you doubt your love for each other, then it’s time for you to think and pray.

HONESTY – some synonyms are uprightness, morality, trustworthiness and decency. Yes, honesty is the best policy and indeed it is. But we can’t deny the fact that this is sooooo hard to do. Maybe there’s some thingy there in our brain which always initiate the will to lie. But just ALWAYS remember: A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON LIES IS A RELATIONSHIP THAT DIES. Never ever make lies as the foundation of your relationship, because you are not only lying to your partner but also to God and to yourself.

UNDERSTANDING – nobody in this world doesn’t need understanding. If you don’t want to understand then you don’t deserve to be understood. It’s as simple as that.

These things are just the basics – but they mean a lot and should be valued. And of course LOVE. But love is not just a single aspect because if you lack the things mentioned above, then what you feel is not love – it’s just a mere attraction.

Love is a gift from God. Love is the most wonderful thing that can be shared by two people – but this can only happen if both understand what it takes to love – faith, honesty and understanding. ♥♥♥

~Random Thoughts~

I just wanna share these thoughts that keep on popping in my head in the past few days:

♥


About success...
Success is a matter of perspective and should not be associated with achievements. It should be about happiness, contentment and fulfillment.
Because no matter how much someone has achieved in life but if that person is not happy nor contented nor fulfilled, then that person cannot be considered successful.
On the other hand, even though you have achieved little in this life but if your heart has happiness, contentment and fulfillment, then you have all the right to consider yourself successful.

♥

About teaching...
In life, you can only give what you have. And from the perspective of a teacher, you can only teach what you know. For you to teach more, you have to know more. And if you want to know more, you should not stop learning.. you should not stop seeking knowledge for you to have something more to share.
The moment you stop learning, you are also marking the day that you will stop teaching.

♥

~twistedwriter~

on a rainy afternoon...

Rain, rain go away.. Come again another day...

This is one of the songs I learned when I was still a little child. I am lucky that my mother taught me a lot of nursery rhymes and children songs. I just suddenly remembered this song because it's raining again. Some people say that when it rains, the heaven is crying that is why the ambiance seems to be gloomy. What's more funny is that when it's raining and the sun is up, it means that there is a frog or a horse wedding going on somewhere out there :) Hahahaha!


Even though rain has a scientific explanation, I am still amused at how people give different interpretations when it rains. Well, sometimes I love it when it rains because it gives me the opportunity to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee and a warm, comforting hug. But there are also times that I hate rain especially when I'm still at the office because it's really difficult to go home when it's raining cats and dogs.  Sometimes even a big umbrella is useless.


Whether we like it or not, rain is part of nature and it has a significant role in the cycle of life - and let us just enjoy the raindrops in any way we can.
♥

The feeling of fulfillment :)(Part 1)

I love to write. I write just about anything. I don't have a specific style in writing. I just love to write to express, share my views or sometimes to inform. I've been involved in writing since I was in elementary. I started as a news writer for our school paper then became the associate editor. ☺

During high school, I became a feature writer and have actively participated in campus journalism and conferences. To God be the glory that I also won several awards and I also became the editor-in-chief of our school paper. ☺

Summer before I entered college, I thought of taking up a degree in Journalism or Creative Writing. However, my father was against it. So to make the long story short, I ended up with a degree in Computer Science.

When I was in college I thought that I will no longer be able to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. But then I realized that if I really have the passion to write then I can write - it doesn't have to be my profession - because writing is more of a passion than a profession. A professor of mine in college noticed that passion and he encouraged me to join journalism competitions. With God's grace I was able to succeed and once again became an editor-in-chief, this time for our college newsletter. ☺

Reminiscing those things really makes me feel so fulfilled that somehow I was able to share something that God has given me. I know that I am NOT a perfect writer. My works are still subject to errors and corrections. But through the years, I've learned that what matters most is not how good you write but your intentions in writing and the amount of dedication your put to it.

My passion, dedication, love and respect for writing are the things that makes me continue in pursuing my dream. And I hope that I would still have the opportunity to write as long as I am able.

♥

Shaky Hands

I don't know what happened to me today. I woke up feeling so sick - cough is still on plus a headache. But there's nothing to worry about - I got up, prepared my uniform, took a bath and got ready to go to school. As soon as I arrived at the office, I started to do my paper works - recorded my students' scores on the previous quiz. Then I noticed that something is wrong. My hands were so shaky. I tried to make them relax but it didn't work. I felt afraid and had negative thoughts. Maybe I just need some rest. Yes! I need some time to rest and relax - but those are the things that I cannot afford right now and I don't know why!

Why is it that sometimes, the simplest things in life are so difficult to have?

Well, maybe because these things are priceless.

And maybe because the are times that we choose to work rather than rest and relax.

Better be silent than tell lies...

The truth shall prevail. This is a very popular statement, but is it true or is it just another lie? Another statement: Honesty is the best policy. Is it?

Truth - the meaning of this simple word has been drastically changed by people depending on their principles about it. The truth must be absolute, it should be objective. But as the society dictates, it is the opposite.

The truth is no longer the truth but it is what people believe no matter if it is a lie. But who invented lies? Why do people lie?

The main purpose of a lie is to cover up the truth. Lies are told because there is fear - fear of the consequences of what the truth might bring. Indeed, the truth doesn't always give us a happy ending. There are times that we have to accept the fact that the truth hurts - difficult may be but this is part of life.

Countless people have told lies (including me) in order to cover the truth - truth that can be painful, truth that can be shameful. But then I realize, if we don't want to unleash the truth, then why not just avoid it? Isn't it better to be silent and keep our mouth shut than to talk and tell nothing but lies?

Let's analyze the two options:
Telling lies - completely wrong
Being silent - not wrong but doesn't justify that it is right

So I'll just leave this question to you, which is a better option?
Hint: Choose the lesser of two evils.

:)

Still Me...

Out of boredom, i just thought of creating a blog.. as i went through the process of creating an account, i got a message that there is already an existing blog account with my email address.. then i remembered that i created this blog account almost 5 years ago.. way back when i was in college.
Since i want to entertain myself, i read my previous posts and was surprised to realize that somehow, i did not change at all. When i read my posts, i can say that it was really me who wrote them. The way i reacted to things 5 years ago is still the same as to how i react to things now that i am almost 24.
Indeed, it is true that change is the constant thing in this world. People do change. But as for me.. I'm still working on how to change my self.. for the better.
I'm a self-confessed drama queen.. and I don't like it either.
Well at least I am aware of it :) and I'm STILL doing my best to improve it. ♥

tired of spongebob mode....

spongebob mode...
i'm so sick and tired of it...

you can't do anything but just absorb everything!!!!
hell no!

that's not what studying means...

so it's time for...
devil spongebob!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (laughs!)

absorb then squeeze...
pour out everything...
and free yourself...
(laughs!)

oh no!

time for the exam...

that's what i mean pour out everything!!!

(laughs!)

Over Lunch...

Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand,
It's hard to know where I am,
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I am
stranded in the wrong time...
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme,
a soundbite...

yourself is your worst "contrabida!"

This trimester could be the worst trimester for me so far...
yes... so far in Far Eastern University FERN College...
i don't know why...
maybe because im experiencing the difficulty of working and studying at the same time...
or maybe i'm just making my life more complicated... (laughs!)
actually...
i don't have to work while studying...
my father is even asking me to resign because he wants me to focus on my studies...
but of course...
I AM MHEI!
if i want it... i should get it... (laughs!)
see... so i am my own "contrabida"...
and im complaining but i can't do anything about it...
what am i gonna do???
Kill myself...
yeah...
i think i'm already doing that... (laughs!)
i don't know...
sometimes i just can't understand myself...
anyway...
-eof-
(can't think...im so hungry!!!!)

The Lesson...

Don't mistake art for compassion. Simply because you "care" in abstract does not mean you are noble or good. You once asked when you could live with nobility. Learning the difference between life and art would be a good start. That's the lesson I learned.

Egophobia...

Leaden treasure in the body,
Reasonable heart and medusa.
Bitterness flows out in crimson tears,
The eye its bleeding melancholy gives away,
From a ramified serpent, blue
Wailing to the sobbing beat
Of its heart, spitting.
Fierce assassinating disillusions,
Gun, dagger, vicious rope;
Sadness drowns in its incandescent flow
The spirit: pool of blood.
The body survives or does not...
The spirit... does not
The mirror scrutinises with hatred,
Hatred for the I who stands before,
Body and soul,
Ego... Phobia --
Egophobia
Longing for decay, for autodestruction.
Loving -- comitting suicide
Love is suicide
I am here

-cradle of filth-

Twisted thoughts?????

uh-huh!!!

so im on this "bloggy thingy" now...

just trying...

maybe this could help...

but i got to go...

i have a lot of things to do...

-carpe diem-